IT’S NEVER REALLY THAT COMPLEX
or, this is what betrayal looks like
Love is whatever you can still betray. For betrayal can only happen if you love.
~ John le Carre
The above title, coming from someone who has taught cultural studies and post modern theory for a living, may, on first glance, appear somewhat contradictory. Though when it comes to issues of ethics, honesty, and treating another human being with respect and consideration, that title is nothing less than descriptively accurate. Recognizing, then respecting the inherent humanity of another, is not that complicated, despite our myriad ways of sometimes behaving just the opposite.
My recent piece below generated some spirited discussion for me, both on and off line.
And it was a friend who brought up the confounding question that served as my inspiration for this piece. The famous “can a blow job ever be just a blow job?” question. I find the obvious generality behind the query slightly amusing, since the specific place that question falls apart is where definitions and expectations come into play.
But let’s first take it at face value. To me, the underlying question being asked is if something as seemingly minor as oral sex, should cause issues in a relationship where the parties are at odds regarding the generic concept of cheating.
I’m going to suggest that with any luck, that is a question that will have been asked and agreed upon well before the event occurs, as I assume the answer would be substantially different if the topic had never been broached. For myself personally, it is completely dependent on an equal level of awareness and the mutual expectations of both parties.
Open or closed relationship aside, let’s cut to the chase. The relevant point here is about deception and lack of regard for the other parties feelings, not the sex or the activity. If the other party had not agreed to outside encounters, or if the topic had never been discussed and there was an implied expectation of fidelity, then the action is clearly deceptive, as one person was not expecting it, and the offending party, by not discussing it, is either hoping their partner will not find out, or worse, taking active steps to ensure they don’t.
Whatever justification, reason, perceived entitlement, or however the hell the cheating party attempts to leap frog around the issue, the facts are always the same. They are intentionally engaging a lie that they are well aware will cause anger, damage, and pain to the person they claim to love.
From my own experience in two open relationships (including one where I was chronically deceived), and by virtue of what the term suggests, I’m convinced there needs to be a higher degree of honesty and transparency around issues than perhaps there does in monogamous partnerships. If you have agreed to outside activity, but then willingly break your pre established boundaries, I view that as infinitely more damaging than cheating in a closed relationship, since the issues of trust and expectation would have, by mandate, already been addressed and agreed upon. Why? They were supposedly important enough to warrant discussion and agreement in the first place.
Because really, blow job or hand job, two year affair or one night stand, “strictly sex” or emotional entanglement, it’s never about the sex, is it? It’s about what one is attempting to hide; it’s about deception. And barring instances of self protection, deceiving someone we claim to love will always be wrong.
I welcome any argument that demonstrates how it’s not.
