Luck Be Damned, The Only Cure is Gratitude

People have been trying to convince me there is no such thing as luck since I was a child. My husband currently tries to counter the thousands of examples I give him of my bipolar luck with the repetitive, “You need an internal locus of control.” As a white male from an upper income background, he’s been taught not to believe in luck, because if there is no luck, there is only will, intention and consequence. You plan to be a success in your career, so you are. You want to meet your life partner, so you do. You want to have children, so you have them.

Even when his luck has been highlighted since marrying me, my No-Such-Thing-As-A-Charmed-Life husband refuses to see it. Before he met me, he rolled with the punches, because there were not so many of them. Nowadays, after “I Always Get a Job After the First Interview” had two major bouts of unemployment in ten years, he blamed himself. I have had to point out to him how many times his best effort to make things intentionally what he wants them to be aren’t able to control fate.

Just a few examples of extremes of luck I have had over the course of my life include being the daughter of two severely mentally ill parents, getting to be in TRIO, finding my husband, and being sexually harassed and bullied on job sites. Having both parents incapable to functioning in a family, which led to foster care for my brothers and myself, was a genetic short half of the wishbone. Most of my cousins grew up in highly functional households because their parents turned out fine growing up in the same families my parents did.

On the good side, I got into an anti-poverty educational program run by exemplary staff that only serves 7% of eligible students. There are literally millions of other children who did not have the good fortune to access such a program. Luck was on my side with TRIO which you can think of as being like Head Start for college.

I was also very fortunate in finding the love of my life. I was overweight throughout much of my 20s and received rejection from men on a regular basis. This is attributable to having an eating disorder and to having the disorder, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which causes obesity in many of its sufferers. I know there are women who write about being overweight and attracting all kinds of attention, but apparently, I am not an attractive large person. Some of the things said to me during my 20s scar me to this day.

But, for a few short years in my early 30s, I was thin again. During this time, I met a lot of men who showed an interest in me. I just didn’t find most of them very interesting, but one of those men was my husband. I don’t believe he would have given me a second look during most of my 20s. Now, I am overweight again, but he knows me, and he says he loves me, even as I gain weight. I consider it good luck to have met him during my thin period. Some people never meet someone they can be in love with throughout their entire lives.

It was bad luck each time I got into an employment situation where a supervisor abused me. First, when I was getting my MSW, one of my internship supervisors sexually harassed me. I even tape-recorded him. But, it was in a state that requires permission of both parties to audiotape conversations, so my evidence was not usable. To deal with the problem, they reassigned me to the research department where I learned nothing of the therapeutic skills I was supposed to learn. It was bad luck to be assigned to this agency and to be given this supervisor.

Later, when I got a job as an assistant professor, I worked under senior professors who verbally abused some of the junior professors who worked under them. It was never clear why some received the abuse while others were granted favoritism. It was bad luck when I reported the abuses I experienced, and the research irregularities I witnessed, that the people in positions of power ignored me. I could have been working at a place that believed people should be treated fairly or that provided additional supports for targeted young professors. It was my bad luck to have run into these people in contrast to my classmates who got their PhD at the same time I did. They were nurtured in their early careers by senior academics and now they are tenured professors. I just write on Medium.

When you have extremes of good and bad luck, which I have been fortunate to have, in order to reconcile your life, you have to look for the good with gratitude. They say luck favors the prepared. As my socioeconomic status improved in middle age, I have been able to become more prepared, and my luck has improved. My van hasn’t broken down once in the ten years since I bought it new. When I was younger, all of my cars were used and old. They broke down constantly, often at the most unlucky times.

I know people who have led charmed lives. I can tell you their life stories, why they are impressive people, and how everything fell in line for them. It doesn’t mean they didn’t face hardships. Everyone does. But, theirs always seemed to work themselves out. A lot of the time, privilege bought them huge chunks of their good fortune. If I compare myself to them, I lose. The best path is not to compare myself to anyone. I am working on that. But, if I need to compare myself to others, I need to look to life’s other picked-on souls and not to the charmed. I think that’s a great many of us.

When I realize what has gone right at hairpin turns in the road, I am grateful. This gives me the strength to try and live with intention in a world that will knock me down again and again. Join me in living well with your life touched by luck by appreciating when it has been on your side. Good luck in the New Year!

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