MEN, FEMINISM, AND ETHICAL ACTION

an introductory discussion aimed at men

This article is an introduction to feminism for the average man. It introduces the idea, discusses concepts, and offers some ways men can act as allies supportive of feminist ideals, and how to contextually apply those ideals from a pro feminist perspective in their everyday life.

Personal Disclosure. At this point, I think it is relevant to briefly describe where, and how, my perspective has developed, in so far as my self labeled identity as a pro feminist man. If I was to demographically type myself, it would be with the following cultural identifiers.

• I am a forty seven y/o, white, middle class, able bodied, cis gendered gay male.
• I am educated at the graduate level.
• I have a career that affords a comfortable salary, and garners a certain level of respect in society.
• In so far as it applies in daily life, I have a traditional masculine affect, neither forced nor consciously expressed. In other words, being spotted as “gay”, as society often negatively defines it, has rarely been the source of hostile situations or oppression.

These factors have played a significant role in my experience of privilege, as is often the case for white, cis gendered men with access and/or ability. Why is this important? Well, for one it openly acknowledges inherent and potential blind spots. Second, to be blunt, I really don’t know a hell of a lot about oppression, personally.

But here’s the thing.

Because of those factors, I decided to take that lack of personal experience and use it as a starting point to consciously, intentionally, and reflectively interrogate the paradox of privilege in my life, both earned and unearned, based largely on race, gender and class. The very trite phrase, “If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem”, is something I have come to realize as exactingly accurate.

The second point that defines my current views on cultural oppression is the unique option I have as a gay man. The option of the closet. In my life today I do not use the closet, as I view it as a negative in the lives of most gay men and women, but I realistically acknowledge it is an option many take advantage of, or have taken advantage of. Myself included. The relevant point? While all oppression in North America generally stems from a similar framework, it is not comparable. I’m not suggesting playing the “who’s more oppressed” game, and while I do believe all gay people, whether out or closeted, experience varying degrees of cultural oppression, the differences in lived experience and not simply in potential oppression, do need to be acknowledged.

Because when you are dealing with gender, racial, and, to some extent, class oppression, there is no closet. There is no option in presentation. No matter your personal deportment, if you are female, you are viewed to be female, and must deal with all the specific behaviors and treatment that label brings. If you are non white, the level of skin pigmentation you possess is irrelevant. If you are viewed as black or “colored” culturally, you are black or “colored”.

So, where to start? What can men do to advance the movement? We can begin by realizing that as men in a patriarchal society, our ideas, actions, and behaviors, are intrinsically tied to the reality of women not knowing equality; the reality of women as an oppressed class, because the playing field is not, and never has been, equal. Recognizing this is key. And once recognized, the only ethical response is to act.

Let’s begin with a hopeful assumption. That most men in 2015 are on board, at least in principle, with the idea that women are in fact, oppressed. To these guys I say: I’m assuming that the goal of equality for half the world’s population is a goal you share. If so, consider some ways we as men can demonstrate our support for the cause, and eventually help in meeting the goals of true female equality.

I’m going to strongly suggest that simply “sharing similar ideals”, just doesn’t cut it. Because as men, through the experience and benefit garnered from our unearned dynamic of male privilege, we have different, and often more positively optioned resources available to us. This is something all men need to understand before they can be of assistance; that for whatever damage the concept of patriarchal oppression does to men, and I go on record as saying it does cause men damage, it clearly offers men benefits that always outweigh negative harm. Intentional or not, participation without question in that dynamic is by nature, anti female.

That concept was the biggest stumbling block for me as my pro feminist perspective was forming. The idea that by virtue of simply being male (historically the oppressor class), I am adding to the oppression of women. It was not at all pleasant to acknowledge that until things change substantially, that’s a fact. But it’s also not one I have to resign myself to, sans action.

Let’s get one thing out of the way early on. The image of the hairy, scary man hating feminazi that has zero sense of humor is an urban legend boys! I am forty seven years old, work in a progressive environment, and have always had a large pool of female friends and women in my life. And I have never yet met a “man hating” feminazi! Understand that hate is separate and distinct from holding serious and uncompromising views.

SOME PLACES TO START

• If you talk it, be a man and walk it. What is often the most difficult, the most courage requiring, and more than anything else, the most effective thing men can do to help women realize equality and put an end to their oppression, is to say something! To directly and assertively call other men out on their misogyny and sexism, whenever and wherever they demonstrate it. Believe me, that is never something that is easy, but it does get more comfortable the more often you do it. It can be as simple as casually pointing out how a joke about domestic violence exists on a continuum that actually supports domestic violence. Or, it can be the very needed action of questioning the frat boy who’s dragging the semi conscious and intoxicated girl back to his room, while all others present laugh uncomfortably. I can’t stress enough, calling out sexism by other men is something that is vital. Guys listen to other guys. Make it not cool to be sexist. Anything that serves to subvert the dominant paradigm, is a radical, pro feminist statement for a man to make.
• In the grand scheme no one really cares what you call yourself. Don’t get particularly caught up on “feminist” or “pro feminist”. Personally, I have identified as pro feminist for at least the last ten years. Why pro as opposed to simply feminist? I believe it implies a level of thought has been given to the identity, not just one that has been unfairly appropriated. There is a distinct difference between a male feminist and a female feminist. Only one can know and experience male applied oppression based on gender. And it ain’t the man! In my experience, most women who are feminists don’t particularly care what you call yourself, so long as you back it up with relevant action in your daily life. Though if you run across women who are not on board with the idea of a “male feminist”, why not consider simply deferring to pro feminist? Because really, the end goal is not about how we as men label ourselves.
• Understanding the goal. The theory and movement of feminism, whether it be radical, second wave, pro sex, third wave or otherwise, is predicated on a base level assertion that recognizes the role of women in society, and often in relationships, is intentionally constructed around an assumption of men being more important and more relevant than women. Thus, patriarchy. If that sounds harsh, ardent and “radical”, well, it is. Spend a few minutes thinking of the myriad ways that can, and often do, play out in the daily lives of women. Women who cannot simply dismiss those ideas, as they experience them in varying forms every day of their lives.
• Get on board with what intersectionality is all about. The theory of intersectionality understands that multiple oppressions often act interdependently, further complicating, and often re enforcing those oppressions. A lesbian woman of color must deal with race, gender and sexual orientation oppression not only individually, but overlapping as well. Using race as an example, in order to fully understand the racialization of oppressed groups, one must investigate the ways in which racializing structures, social processes, and social representations are shaped by gender, class, and sexuality. A less verbose reading? No one is ever “just” a woman, “just” black, “just” gay, or “just” Latina. Everyone has multiple, complex, and often overlapping identities, all of which need to be given equal weight.
• Park the privilege at the door. If participating in a discussion in a feminist identified space (ie. a meeting, a blog known to be feminist, even a group of friends), I tend to view my patronage and contributions as that of being a guest in someone’s home. If I am welcome to be there, I need to be aware that is not my male entitled right. When it makes sense, I will defer accordingly on feminist issues as I do not have the insight gained from lived experience. If you have something relevant to contribute, by all means do so. Though realize two things. One, if a woman respectfully challenges you based on her experience, you need to listen before you respond. Two, do not unnecessarily hog or derail the discussion. My personal rule of thumb? Do I have a particularly unique position that has not already been accurately articulated? If yes, then I will comment. If the answer is no, I simply listen. I will contribute two comments maximum, then I sit back and regain perspective that I may have missed initially. Do not let yourself believe your role is to “rescue” women. It’s patronizing and feeds into misogynist frameworks. Support and advocate, don’t dominate.
• No, she is not your female dog. Calling a woman a bitch, whore, cunt, slut or any other term meant to minimize, insult, sexualize, or denigrate, is never acceptable, even if you are “just kidding”. It’s insulting, lazy and reductionist, nothing more. As well, realize that if you come back with “what’s wrong, can’t you take a joke”, that will often be met with “what’s wrong, can’t you tell one”? Think about it.
• “She just needs a good…” In any discussion of feminist issues, any assigned worth you give to a woman’s looks and style of dress, always needs to be viewed as an aggressively minimizing style of sexist response. It will never be appreciated, regardless of your desire to play “devil’s advocate”, or offer other perspective. And yes, when worth of opinion is physically attributed to a woman by another woman, it is the exact same dynamic. Some may even consider it more distasteful, due to an aggressive disregard for central feminist principles.
• No, you are not a puppy that deserves a cookie. Often men enter into these discussions with the idea that if they offer opinion considered pro feminist, then that needs to be loudly and enthusiastically acknowledged. No. The purpose of a venue for discussion is not one that strokes a mans ego and tells him what a good boy he is every time he gets it right. It’s assumed that if you participate you have at least a rudimentary understanding of what you are talking about. Thus, praise and encouragement are not required.
• Be a real man. Critically evaluate and interrogate what you have been taught around notions of traditional masculinity. The brooding, strong, silent type that never expresses emotion until he blows up in a fit of rage, is a huge factor in the proliferation of dysfunctional families, emotionally stunted men, and abused women. Traditional masculinity and our ideas of what strength, power, heroism, and bravery mean, are inexplicably linked to the foundations of sexism, racism, homophobia, and paternalism. Challenge yourself and other men to promote new forms of masculinity that strive toward ideals of respect, strength of character, respect and responsibility of physical strength, and further nurturing the growth of boys and young men into healthy, adult males that respect girls and women as their equals.
• No drama queens please. In my early days of attempting to be a feminist ally, I was sometimes accused of being inadvertently sexist. In retrospect, I can’t think of one time that the accusation did not apply. I was human and I made mistakes. But I tried to view those experiences as needed education, not personal accusations. So if, and when, you are called out on your sexism, perceived or actual, take a breath. Then take another. And realize you have not been compared to Hitler, you have been informed that your perspective may be sexist. There is a difference! I find the following to be a good guide in responding to sexist accusations. Ask the woman, sincerely and with genuine intention, what it was in your response that made her view it as sexist. Don’t be sarcastic or defensive, as you will always look like an idiot. What may be considered witty in other circumstance, will be considered inappropriate at best in a serious response. When you are offered an answer, take some time to consider her view and experience. Recognize it is a view and an experience you have no direct knowledge of, and never will. If she has a valid point, acknowledge it, apologize for the misstep, and then move on. Quickly, and without the velvet cape of drama. Lengthy and involved proclamations of how “some of my best friends are women, I could NEVER be sexist”, are as annoying to experience as they are to read. It doesn’t make you weak to bow out of an argument with a politely phrased “agree to disagree”; it makes you a gentleman with a bit of class.

In closing, keep in mind you will make mistakes. And you will more often than not be called on those mistakes. That’s okay. As men intending to confront gender oppression, no matter how advanced our perspective, we are all still learning. No one expects you to quote Andrea Dworkins theories of gynocidal expressions of femininity. Though, you will likely find that after a bit of time and consistency actively doing the work, feminist identified women will come to trust you.

I’m sure many will disagree, but in the never ending debate over attributes which define a masculine man, I’d think proudly identifying and acting as a pro feminist would be at the top of the list.