PURE 70’s CHEESE

otherwise known as Airport 75

If anyone has read my writings with any regularity, the mild sarcasm and generation X cynicism becomes quickly evident. Thus, the reason I have an obsessive fascination with all things Planet of the Apes and of course, all things Airport.

My friend Bruce has a theory that the reason he and I hold interest in these films, is most of them have an uncanny ability at highlighting the most utterly forgettable examples of the career of Charlton Heston. In many ways, the worst “actor” Hollywood has produced, Chucky is appallingly overacting in everything he does.

The hands down classic seventies film is Airport 75, starring Chucky Heston and a rather fucked up and gothic looking Karen Black, showcases bad acting like nothing else. Karen stars in the leading role Of Haley, the “chief stew” who saves the day. She is the perfect cast-mate to ensure this film marks history as the worst performance Chucky has ever given the movie going public. Except maybe for Ben Hur.

Enter Random Hollywood gossip sound-bite here:

According to the sources at that bastion of journalistic integrity, the “ E channel”, Ms. “don’t follow my bouncing eyes” Black, had quite the well maintained white, flurry blizzard raging in her nostrils during the filming, and not surprisingly, for most of the seventies.

One of many favorite scenes is when the cross eyed Karen, frizzy A line hair bouncing along, enters the cockpit and finds, well, let’s just say our ever reliable chief stew discovers that the right half of the cockpit is likely somewhere in the Rockies a few miles back. It dropped off, along with the engineer, when it was clipped by a Cessna, flown by the now just-as-dead-as-the-engineer, man who suffered a heart attack.

With crazy eyes are in overdrive, “WHO’S. FLYING. THE. PLANE”, is the tentative, child like question to no one in particular.

But Haley isn’t one to let hysteria get to her. That is left to the obligatory fresh faced, pretty blond, eternally virginal Julie, the “new stew”, who is having quite the dramatic meltdown outside the cockpit. Crying and blubbering like she dropped her ice cream cone in the sand, she spits through her snotty tears, “We are all going to die, aren’t we Haley?”

“Julie!” Haley screams, as she employs the grasp and shake of the shoulders maneuver, as the younger woman’s blond, feathered, 70’s era hair bounces in every direction. Now, I’m assuming the shoulder grasp to be a precursor to the hysterical slap, “get yourself together” maneuver. One that, unfortunately, is not employed in the attempt to control our blubbering hostess.

“For God’s sake, pull yourself together! You need to be there for those passengers. They are scared, and they are counting on us. Now, you go downstairs into that cabin, and be the stewardess I know you can be” Haley gushes, in her over zealous, big sis tone.

Next, consider the irony of Helen Reddy, in the role of a naive young nun, singing and playing the guitar to the one and only (no doubt also tweaked out of her panties), Linda “post Exorcist” Blair. The pale, ill child, who will be in “dire condition” if she doesn’t receive a kidney transplant.

“Mother, will we make it to the hospital in time for the operation”?

“Of course darling. We have to”.

The camera zooms for a close up of mothers face, clearly betraying her words.

Perhaps what mother should have said …

“Yes, with any luck we will dear, though if you recall, things didn’t go so well the last time you played with the Captain Howdy weeje board. Come on now, put the bloody board down and sing with the nice sister. But stay away from her crucifix”.

And finally, the pivotal scene I wait the entire movie for. It is the definition of campy, over acted seventies disaster films.

In our final moments, Chucky expertly talks Haley, the cross eyed wonder, now solely responsible for flying the 747, into a perfectly smooth and safe landing at Salt Lake City International. His precise instructions? In a voice not dissimilar to a constipation sufferer …

“Yeah, that’s a good girl Haley. Come on baby, land that pig for Daddy.”

Yes. He actually said that. Seventies misogyny on display!

Of course for added dramatic effect, and a “time is of the essence” vibe, the emergency chutes are then deployed and a rapid evacuation ensues.

Alas, all is well with the world.