That Moment Of Clarity

something in my kidney stone-from-hell-ordeal that was not lost on me …

Published in
3 min readOct 31, 2016

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Was the undeniable fact that this situation occurred, at least in small part, because the conditions were ripe for it. I have always prided myself on being a fit, healthy, and generally positive person. But today, at the end of October 2016, I need to admit that I am not quite at my best. I am probably dangerously stressed, emotionally exhausted, and I really need to be careful of how I live my life right now.

What put it in perspective for me was the realization that in the past twelve months I have had, among other things, the following events occur. A move, the start of a relationship, a new job commencing, an unexpected promotion with increasing responsibility, and finally, managing the illness and death of a parent. My last. One of these events is often considered stressful and disruptive, but five?

Fuck me.

So, back to basics. While it will be infinitely easier said than done, I am committing to the following ten actions. They’ve worked before during tough times, and I have no reason to think they won’t now. Knowing myself and my patterns the way I do, I will say them here to provide some added accountability.

Please, forgive the following indulgence as it is decidedly more listicle than I would like. Though I think the points below have at least a measure of substance.

Starting today, I will …

  1. Make a commitment to my health. One step at a time, they only need to be small attempts, but noticeable to me. Daily actions, each one moving me in the direction of eating better, exercising more, slowing down, being present, and yes, drinking more H2O.
  2. Reconnect with people who I want and need in my life. Friends, and family of my choosing. Calling more often than emailing or texting. Setting a day aside instead of the elusive “soon.”
  3. Re-establish boundaries around those with whom I don’t have a choice of interaction.
  4. Make a final, clean break from those weighing me down.
  5. Say no when I’m aware I won’t be able to follow through. Feeling okay about it, and feeling okay about not apologizing for it.
  6. Step back and count to ten when I want to lash out. If I still feel the need to lash, then I will lash away.
  7. Give something back to the greater good with no expectation of return, thanks, or acknowledgement.
  8. When I can and it makes sense, I’ll make a decision to defer to someone else who may need it more.
  9. Realize I have a choice in how I respond, I will attempt to be supportive rather than constraining.
  10. Remember that I am human and will sometimes fail to meet the mark I set, and to make no apologies for that fact.

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Educator, HIV researcher, former flight paramedic, MFA, poetry, creative non fiction, memoir, intersectional social justice, satire, dogs. https://allanrae.com